She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
