The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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