I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
