I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize