wrigley field is MILF paradise
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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