Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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