Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
