I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
