How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
