Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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