Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
