I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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