I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
