we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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