I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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