I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
