I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
