Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I have demons in me.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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