you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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