you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
