then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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