The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
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