I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Randomize
