I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He better not be in your backpack
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
