Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
