I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
