i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
