JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
