oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
