looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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