so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
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There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
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He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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