I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I cut my penus on the lid.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So squirting runs in the family.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
