I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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