So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
