Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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