My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
