Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
And then he peed in my hair
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