what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
