Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
