awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you would pick up someone in the library
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
