How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
