I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
