I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
