You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We left an ass print on the piano.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
