This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
