I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
