i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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