apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize