What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
