So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
