Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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