someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
