I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
