My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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