we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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