The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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