Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
