He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
